Fear of Leaving Work Behind

I'm not afraid to go to Iraq. What I'm afraid of is leaving my kids behind. I'm afraid of trying to get a temporary replacement to do my job, and what happens if they don't grip the rj-17 form firmly enough.

I'm a dad. That's my job. I don't think I'm doing this job very well, but I think I'm doing it better than others would.

Regarding Reenlistment (see previous post)

So of course I went in to talk to the First Sergeant (1SG) about reenlisting. I shared with him my fear of deploying, my discomfort with the amount of workload I would leave on my family, and my lack of satisfaction with my job as a Chaplain's Assistant (CA).

Let's address the latter first. I'm one of 4 guys doing a one-man job, and we don't really have anything to do without a Chaplain. Which we don't have. We do get occasional support from the acting Brigade Chaplain, a Major, who preaches at a Baptist church in a microscopic rural town in the middle of nowhere. He came to drill this month, meeting us at an armory in a small town near his town. We convoyed up in HMMWV's. All 4 Chaplain Assistants were drivers, earning hours toward our military driver's licenses.

We got to the armory around noon, ate TOTM's for lunch, and then had a worship service with the Major. Three people showed up, in addition to the Chaplain assistants. Two of them were somewhat press-ganged into showing by the Chaplain. Then he read to us about Abram/Abraham and fear. Fear of God, he said, is the cure for other fear. And he insisted that we should read the Bible. He also made a very confused statement about Buddhism, regarding the notion of Deity, polytheism, pantheism, etcetera, in response to a question by the new guy in the UMT.

Personally, I don't like his heavy-handed approach. I don't think his job is to convince people of the need to follow his approach to religion, and I don't think he's able to meet the needs of a broad spectrum of soldiers. But, hey, he's a Baptist preacher. What do you expect?

I rode in the convoy with a Sergeant First Class (SFC - E7). I drove and he was my senior driver, keeping me safe. He told me a story about the Major. SFC was in the field during an AT many years back, and the Major showed up with his CA. He asked the SFC what his religious background is, and the SFC said he didn't wanna talk about it. Chaplain pressed him, the SFC told him (he's almost atheist, and prefers not to be told what to think by people who haven't lived his life) and the Chaplain and Chaplain's Assistant ganged up on him, trying to convince him of the error of his ways. It became a shouting conversation. There's friction between them to this day.

So I'm not getting a lot of satisfaction from the CA job. It seems like a do-nothing job, and there's 4 of us not doing the nothing. I got caught standing around doing nothing with my guys by the 1SG a couple of times at the Armory Sunday after we convoyed back. Finally, One of my guys and I took a bag of trash to the dumpster, and then hung out behind the dumpster for a while chatting. I felt icky.

Anyway, back to the 1SG conversation.... I told him I wasn't enjoying the job, and he said "well, let's get you another one." That involved driving to (nearby big city) to get a color-vision test from the National Guard doctor. I didn't pass, but the Lieutenant Colonel (doctor) really wanted me to pass. We tried the Ishihara Plates several times. I could miss 3 and pass, but I kept missing 4. Given better memorization skills, I could have made it, but no-go. He told me to go to a civilan opthamologist or optometrist and get a different test than the plates, since he could tell I have some color vision, but with defects.

So I did. I took the Farnsworth D-15 test 3 times. Finally, the doctor came in to ask me why I wanted the test done. I said it's for a better job. We went over the Ishihara plates again. Had I been trying to get out of something (like going to Iraq), she could have given me a no-go result, but since I was trying for a job, she gave me a go. It was all about which two of the three results to put down.

Now I'm crossing my fingers. Maybe I can get Army training to become a machinist, or a mechanic. That would be good - I would like to be employable again someday, when the kids are all in school.

So maybe I'll be going away again next year to get MOS training. Then we have to figure out who watches the kids. And that's the big one. That's the big one.

Expiration, Term of Service

I can't do it.

At the last training meeting I was told I have 54 days left until my ETS - Expiration, Term of Service. I said I would re-enlist at the next drill.

But I don't think I can do it.

I'm not afraid to go to Iraq. I'm afraid of leaving my family behind.

I haven't come up with a childcare plan to even cover MUTA 6 and 7 drills next year, when we'll be gathering at the armory on Thursday evenings or Friday mornings.

I don't really trust anyone to watch my kids for me. I had a family friend watching them this summer so I could go to training, but I can't use him again. He has his own life. And besides, I don't like all the things that happened while I was gone.

I joined up so that I could train my family to let go of me, so that maybe I could do other things once in a while. But they really haven't, and I haven't been able to let go of them either.

"Noise will not cease by noise but by silence alone"

I read Brad Warner's blog, Hardcore Zen. He also writes a column for Suicide Girls, which I read once in a while when it shows up in the comments for his blog. In his latest column he says, in the context of freedom via American military might:

"our ability to walk down the streets of Akron, Ohio in 1982 in our green Mohawks and leather jackets was largely underwritten by the threat of violence by the cops against the many rednecks in the area"

An amazing insight. I wish more "counter culture" types would understand it.

Likewise, American vegetarianism is enabled (in the Freudian sense) by a strong corporate economy.

I posted most of this post as a comment on Brad's blog. But I felt the need to put it here, too.

His column was in response to an article by Stephen Bachelor

I'm Buddhist, and I'm a Soldier. I joined out of Compassion for my fellow Americans. That's you guys, even the anonymous 9/11-Inside Job freak(s).

And for the Soldiers that will be coming home and driving down the road toward me for the next 50 years, and shopping for produce near me, etc.

Remember those guys. They need your love now, and later. Not your resentment, immature comments, or fear.

The war-crimes commited in Mahmudia made me sick. I wondered where those boys' leaders were. I decided I could do my little bit of "right effort" by doing my job well, not badly.

I didn't create this war, and I can't end it. But if I have to go over, I'll make sure MY guys are fighting for good, not evil, as much as I can.

Many Americans, left and right, are calling for the immediate removal of troops from Iraq, without any sense of history, or politics, or even common sense. Bush may have started a stupid war for stupid reasons, but now we're the cops-on-the-beat in Iraq. If we leave now, Shiites will still be shooting at Sunnis and also at other Shiites.

"Give peace a chance" doesn't mean jack shit for the jihadists stirring up ancient hatred in the desert. Or for the Iraqis afraid of the Iraqi National Police.

If we just up and leave, will your Compassionate heart weep for the dying Iraqis?