The Five-Minute Self Help Seminar

I think at this point I should back up. My Intended Readers know what the title of this post refers to, but nobody else will. Also, this is fundamental enough that I feel it should be repeated for my Intended Readers. Bear in mind that this has never been written before, only passed on verbally to friends and family. We usually tell them that it's a $3000 value, but we haven't figured out how to stretch it to a whole weekend yet.

Once upon a time, my mother was removing herself from a marriage. She was trying to figure out not just why the marriage had failed, but the more important question, why it had worked in the first place.

My mother's mantra is "Catagorize and Containerize." This is one of those deceptively simple statements that can be applied to almost anything in life. With this, she decided that relationships of all kinds have some basic elements between members:
Unique Shared Experience and
Mutual Self-Disclosure.
But that felt incomplete. I suggested a third element,
Reciprocal Fulfilment of Need.

This works for any relationship I've thought of so far and analyzed in the last 16 years. The USA and England. Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. Diner and Waitress. Trey and Alicia. Dog and owner. Car and owner. Smoker and cigarettes.

Some examples -
Shared Experience: Two people trapped in an elevator.
Self Disclosure: I'm so-and-so from accounting. What's your name?
Need Fulfilment: Company, passing the time, relief of fear and uncertainty by sharing.

This is a shallow relationship. It ends when the elevator restarts. Repetition makes a relationship deeper. Maybe after, these two will be head-nodding aquaintances, which isn't really self disclosure. Over time even this may fall off. Or maybe during self disclosure they discover a future bowling buddy or lover. That would be finding new needs that the other party can fulfill, with new opportunities for self disclosure.

Shared Experience: Diner and Waitress.
Self Disclosure: I'm so-and-so and our special tonight is...
Need Fulfilment: Diner is hungry, Waitress works for tips.

A shallow relationship, but if the two parties want, they can deepen the relationship with repetition. Over the course of time, maybe they open up a bit and maybe end up dating. Or not.

Shared Experience: Diner and Waitress.
Self Disclosure: I'm so-and-so and our special tonight is...
Need Fulfilment: Diner is hungry, Waitress works for tips.

Try it again. This time, the Diner self-discloses an observation and suggests a need fulfilment: "Hey, cutie. Nice ass. What time do you get off work?"

This probably works sometimes, but obviously this is not the deepest approach. Only the Diner's needs are expressed. The waitress probably knows she has a nice ass already, and chose her jeans with that in mind, wanting better tips. When would this work? When the waitress's ego needs even this shallow boost.

Shared Experience: USA and England.
Self Disclosure: Official diplomatic contact; military aid; secret information.
Need Fulfilment: England is threatened by Hitler. USA does not want Hitler to rule England.

The USA rebelled against British rule and became an independent nation. Yet we have a fine relationship to this day.

The USA has a terrible relationship with France, who we saved from Germany twice, and who helped us rebel against England.

France does not fulfill any needs for us. England is referred to in the military as "the USS Britain, worlds largest aircraft carrier, conveniently parked off the coast of Europe." The repetition of relationship built over the last two hundred years has allowed the two nations to remain friendly at a State and personal level. During my time in England, the people nearest the base were the least interested in meeting Americans. The further one got from a base the friendlier the people were.

Here's my mantra: "That which does not feed you tries to eat you. Unless it's someone ele's problem."

At this point we're getting out of the 5-minute sample and into the $3000 value.

Shared Experience: Smoker and tobacco
Self Disclosure: Consumption of one by the other.
Need Fulfilment: Smoker is addicted, tobacco is profit-producing for manufacturer.

There's an old saying: "Tobacco gives a wise man time to think, and a fool something to stick in his mouth." Does smoking feed you or eat you? I've been a smoker, and I can say that sometimes I wanted the cigarette and sometimes the cigarette wanted me.

Shared Experience: Citizen and State
Self Disclosure: ...on a "need to know" basis...
Need Fulfilment: Citizens pay taxes. Taxes pay for roads.

What feeds you? What eats you? Does a random bridge across the Mississipi employ your dumptruck-driving husband? Or is it just another example of federal Pork, siphoning taxes off to other states?

Every one you know, every thing you own, every activity you engage in can be analyzed with this system. And then you can ask yourself "does it feed me or eat me?"